If your birthday is this week: Your parents will tell you that you have to trick or treat for your presents this year and that it’s likely all they got you was candy.
Aries: They will attempt to burn Trump in effigy by burning you in a Trump costume.
Taurus: Dressing up as your roommate is hilarious and it goes with the identity theft you already committed against him.
Gemini: Your neighbor that gives out Kit Kats is forced to remind you that you cannot come to the door more than once every two hours.
Lemini: The police come by to remind you again not to let children fish their treats out of your gym short pockets.
Cancer: The stars say, pretending to be a dead body on your front lawn is scary, but doing it naked is even scarier!
Leo: The party goers at the Halloween party are forced to explain that witches ride the broom, they don’t insert it.
Virgo: It isn’t that you got a boner while dressed as Spiderman that upset everyone, it’s that you keep asking everyone at the party to “finish you off”.
Libra: You’ll realize that shitting yourself while dressed as a zombie goes almost unnoticed at the party, but biting into the tender flesh of a party goer does not.
Scorpio: Once again, you’ll have sex with what you think is someone in full costume that turns out to be a Halloween decoration.
Sagittarius: Your Frankenstein monster is furious that he’s not more diverse.
Capricorn: Your werewolf Halloween party guests fail to poop outside.
Aquarius: Some of the kids recognize you giving away candy you stole from last year.
Pisces: Taking two candies for each candy you give out, leaves you with a ton of Mary Janes.
