If your birthday is this week:   You will eat your own weight in shrimp and a bucket of cocktail sauce.

Aries:  You’ll get a text from a new love right before your phone runs out of charge.

Taurus:  You’ll be chastised at the clothing store for trying on clothes without underwear again.

Gemini:  You will fart loudly during a funeral and successfully blame the smell on the corpse.

Lemini:  Masturbating at the Starbucks turns out to be a bad idea since you didn’t go into the bathroom to do it.

Cancer:  The Chive will reuse every photo off your blog this week and pretend it’s theirs, which disappoints the guy who you stole all the photos from.

Leo:  Your Socialist robot will self-destruct after it realizes it can’t starve.

Virgo:  A chicken will steal your smart phone and use up all your data on selfies and looking for feed stores.

Libra:  You’ll celebrate the one year anniversary of that IKEA table you still can’t put together.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll realize that you have a Seinfeld fetish.

Sagittarius:  Your depression appears to be getting better, but that’s only according to the waiter at the Outback.

Capricorn:  You’ll hit a leprechaun with your car, but he’ll die before he can tell you where the gold is.

Aquarius:  The stars say, you’ll be mugged by a guy using a People’s Choice Award as a club.

Pisces:  You’ll make more money than God this week, but then again, he works for free