If your birthday is this week:  Your presents will consist of the horrible gifts you’ve given, regfited back to you.

Aries:  You fall asleep on your lazy barber, so he just shaves your head and colors it with a magic marker.

Taurus:  Turns out, flashing your tits at a traffic stop makes the situation incredibly awkward, so you tell the cop to put her shirt back on.

Gemini:  The stars say, you will be caught shoplifting the DVD of Captain Marvel, so they make you take ten copies.

Lemini:   You’ll be bitten by a radioactive giraffe, but you have the superpowers removed by your doctor.

Cancer:  Your roommate finally confesses that he’s a cannibal, which is why he replaced all your shampoo with barbecue sauce.

Leo:   This week, your lawn gnomes come to life and steal your car.

Virgo:  You will be accosted by an NBA mascot.

Libra:   The neighbors will ask that you shut your curtains while you’re working out.

Scorpio:  You’ll be arrested for having sex with baked goods…again.

Sagittarius:  You will be snubbed by Spongebob at a high end restaurant.

Capricorn:   The manager of the hardware store will tell you for the tenth time to stop making jokes about “your tool”.

Aquarius:  You will be cast as a principle extra known only as “Ugly Person #2”.

Pisces: Your sushi making skills serve you well when you fall in the tank at the Aquarium.