If your birthday is this week:   The pizza guy reluctantly tells you “Happy Birthday” for a three dollar tip, so you can get back to crying.

Aries:  This week, you’ll smell the farts of a valued coworker.

Taurus:  You’re so boring, you’ll be the last person banned on Twitter.

Gemini:  Get together with some old friends this week, their fridges are full of food.

Lemini:  Your wooden boy comes to life and immediately calls Child Protective Services.

Cancer:  Your S.O. finally unlocks the closet where you keep the Christmas decorations.

Leo:  Accidentally drinking someone’s pee will become a huge problem at the office for some reason.

Virgo:  The bad news is, your local cops are forced to moonlight on the side to make ends meet, but the good news is all speeding tickets come with a side of McDonald’s fries.

Libra:  Your smart phone becomes sentient and deletes your Facebook app for your own good.

Scorpio:  Sex in the department store changing room loses it’s allure without the cameras.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, pirates rent your place off of Airbnb and leave dozens of empty rum bottles and parrot feathers behind.

Capricorn:  Your doctor will advise you that your hand santizer addiction is bad for you, especially since you’re drinking it.

Aquarius:  The clerk at the CVS predicts the future, but only for people whose receipt are long enough.

Pisces:  A windfall of shrimp figures into your future, but sadly, no windfall of cocktail sauce, just tartar.