If your birthday is this week:   Your parents will tell you that you have to trick or treat for your presents this year and that it’s likely all they got you was candy.

Aries:  They will attempt to burn Trump in effigy by burning you in a Trump costume.

Taurus:   Dressing up as your roommate is hilarious and it goes with the identity theft you already committed against him.

Gemini:  Your neighbor that gives out Kit Kats is forced to remind you that you cannot come to the door more than once every two hours.

Lemini:   The police come by to remind you again not to let children fish their treats out of your gym short pockets.

Cancer:   The stars say, pretending to be a dead body on your front lawn is scary, but doing it naked is even scarier!

Leo:   The party goers at the Halloween party are forced to explain that witches ride the broom, they don’t insert it.

Virgo:  It isn’t that you got a boner while dressed as Spiderman that upset everyone, it’s that you keep asking everyone at the party to “finish you off”.

Libra:   You’ll realize that shitting yourself while dressed as a zombie goes almost unnoticed at the party, but biting into the tender flesh of a party goer does not.

Scorpio:  Once again, you’ll have sex with what you think is someone in full costume that turns out to be a Halloween decoration.

Sagittarius:   Your Frankenstein monster is furious that he’s not more diverse.

Capricorn:   Your werewolf Halloween party guests fail to poop outside.

Aquarius:   Some of the kids recognize you giving away candy you stole from last year.

Pisces:   Taking two candies for each candy you give out, leaves you with a ton of Mary Janes.