If your birthday is this week:   You birthday burrito will be full of candy and your birthday pinata will be full of spicy meat.

Aries:  You’ll regret eating that third pint of ice cream for breakfast.

Taurus:   You’ll realize too late that you’re the only person that screams out the ingredients when you read them in the supermarket.

Gemini:  This week, prepare for a deluge of criticism on your rap song about waffles.

Lemini:   A co-worker will fill your unguarded boots with oatmeal.

Cancer:   Your date will put on a bad disguise half way through dinner and attempt to leave the restaurant.

Leo:   You will gain spider powers, but they will only activate while you’re asleep.

Virgo:  You’ll be fooled by several children in a overcoat to sign over the deed to your house.

Libra:   Your farts will become so intense, they’ll stink in the not-too-distant future.

Scorpio:  All the people you had sex with on Craiglist show up for the reunion orgy.

Sagittarius:   Your mailman will challenge you to a duel.

Capricorn:   You’ll discover that your goldfish is a racist.

Aquarius:   You accidentally drink a surprising amount of pee this week.

Pisces:   The Pokemon turn the tables on your and trap you inside a large, multicolored ball.