If your birthday is this week:   Your birthday presents will consist mostly of items from the bus station lost and found.

Aries:  This week, you will be pooped on by an exotic animal.

Taurus:   Your keys are under that stack of mail near the door.  Get your shit together Taurus.

Gemini:   The homeless guy with the squeegie offers you a job as his assistant.

Lemini:   You’ll be forced to stab someone at a family get-together.

Cancer:   You’ll receive a text from beyond the grave telling you how to save on long distance.

Leo:   Your boss will again remind you that it’s too early to start wearing your Halloween costume to work.

Virgo:  If you’re in the UK, cops burst into your house and arrest you for a Facebook post, but anywhere else, everyone just calls you a dick.

Libra:   Although you finally find a good place to pee during the pool party, the yellow cloud around your bathing suit in the shallow end gives you away.

Scorpio:   You will be tempted by an unusually sexy zoo exhibit.

Sagittarius:   Your car will be damaged by two different banjos this week.

Capricorn:   The stars say, don’t tip the pizza guy.  He rubbed his butt on your pizza.

Aquarius:   A telemarketer will ask you if you wouldn’t mind talking him through how to set up his cable TV.

Pisces:   Don’t forget to do your laundry or you’ll have to wearing a bathing suit as pants on a date again.