If your birthday is this week:   Your family doesn’t hire as many people to pretend to be your friend as this year’s birthday party.

Aries:  Mixing up your grandmother’s pills and watching the results seems not as hilarious as you’d thought it would be.

Taurus:   Although you win most of the card games, running an underground poker game at a grammar school is not as lucrative as you thought.

Gemini:   You will save your phone from the truck stop toilet, but regret not taking off your watch to do it.

Lemini:   You’ll discover that sleeping with your tennis instructor doesn’t mean he’ll let you win any games.

Cancer:   You’ll have a 90’s nightmare about not receiving a fax in time to pick up your family photos from the drug store.

Leo:   Your new flavor of ice cream, “Unsure Flavor Chunks”, receives mixed reviews.

Virgo:  This week, bury the hatchet with a friends, it’s the only sure way the cops won’t find the murder weapon.

Libra:   You will meet someone special while faking your own death.

Scorpio:   The massage parlor celebrates your 10,000th visit.

Sagittarius:   Replacing your eye drops with barbecue sauce gives you spicy vision.

Capricorn:   It turns out, invading the personal space when people are at the ATM is not a great way to make friends.

Aquarius:   The ghost of Eli Whitney will not stop asking you to explain how WiFi works and why the cotton gin couldn’t do the same thing.

Pisces:   Turns out, the person you’ve been texting with is not the Pin Number Inspector.