If your birthday is this week:   Your friends discover that Taco Bell will make birthday cakes if you ask.

Aries:  You will come to an important realization about yourself after watching a Dragonball Z episode.

Taurus:   You’ll be asked to appear in a commercial advertising Anime pillows.

Gemini:   Your dates at the Speed Dating Event are unimpressed by your socks and clogs combo.

Lemini:   Ironically, you have to inform Kevin Spacey you’re moving into his neighborhood.

Cancer:   Your bumper car accident kills two and injuries five.

Leo:   Turns out, the carnival clown is right, you’re incapable of making perfectly circular pancakes.

Virgo:  This week, the gopher from Caddyshack signs your autograph book and bites you.

Libra:   The doctor will give you the sad news that he thinks your screenplay is awful.

Scorpio:   You’ll realize it’s time to clean the house, as the only thing that doesn’t have dust on it is your box of sex toys.

Sagittarius:   The stars say, in another universe you didn’t shit your pants while accepting an award in front of your coworkers, so try and think of that while you rush off stage to the bathroom.

Capricorn:   You’ll gain just enough superpowers to be able to take out the trash with your mind.

Aquarius:   Your fortune cookie will make you sit through a 30 second commercial to tell you its fortune.

Pisces:   Your dog will roll into something so gross and disgusting, you will immediately give her a bath and then burn the bath tub.