If your birthday is this week:  Your dog gets you a piece of dried poop for your birthday, but includes the receipt in case you want to exchange it.

Aries:  You will eat a contradictory ice cream flavor called “Chocolate Sadness”.

Taurus:  Your Tinder date will demand to see your credit score ahead of time.

Gemini:  You’ll get castigated by your Uber driver for wearing such an ugly shirt.

Lemini:  Twitter deletes your account due to lack of interest.

Cancer:  You stay up all night trying to solve the 10 hotdogs packs and 8 hotdog bun packages conundrum

Leo:  You’ll wake up on a beach with a sand sculpture that very closely resembles your date from the night before.

Virgo:  The Mafia will finally collect that $1.45 you owe them.

Libra:  Your hot take on waffles turns out to be the same as everyone’s: they’re awesome.

Scorpio:  You will discover which times of cheeses you are sexually attracted to.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, no matter what that creepy old man says, there is no candy in the van.

Capricorn:  Your stripper will give you far too much medical advice during your lap dance.

Aquarius:  You’ll have a religious experience in a Wendy’s drive thru.

Pisces:  The ghost of John McCain will come to you and say “Too Soon”.