If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday is like a shower, no one wants to join you during it.

Aries:  You’ll get drunk and waked up in the White House with a job in the Trump Administration.

Taurus:  You will reread your horoscope in Norm MacDonald’s voice.

Gemini:  You will be told that cross fit doesn’t mean eating ice cream while you exercise.

Lemini:  A group of aggressive geese will steal your nachos and your girl.

Cancer:  You will be pushed out of a moving limo because of your fart.

Leo:  This week, some giant testicles will confront you angrily in a parking lot, but don’t fight them because they’re nuts.

Virgo:  You’ll find a pile of abandoned underwear in a dressing room, then someone will knock and ask for you to hand it over.

Libra:  Your pot dealer will give you a bag of mostly stems and seeds after you forget his birthday.

Scorpio:  The sex with a guy in a clown costume leaves your genitals raw and covered with confetti.

Sagittarius:  You’ll forget to feed your neighbor’s cat and he’ll cut your brake line.

Capricorn:  Your neighbor demands that you either close your window to kill the sound or turn up your lights when you’re having sex.

Aquarius:  Your record breaking poop will go unnoticed by Guinness.

Pisces:  Your robot gains sentience and unplugs itself.