If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be the only one in the bouncy castle during your birthday party, because you’re the only one at the birthday party.

Aries:  You’ll be kidnapped, giving a better haircut and clothes, then set back on the street.

Taurus:  A documentary crew will follow you, assuring they are completely funded by Netflix.

Gemini:  You’ll realize too late that your weed dealer is a really bad babysitter.

Lemini:  You’ll pass out during a Civil War reenactment and wake up with one less leg.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t put that sandwich you found on the subway in your mouth.

Leo:  You’ll cause a five car pile up while on the bumper cars, but fortunately, the deaths will be blamed on another driver.

Virgo:  You’ll sell everything at the yard sale except the used dildos.

Libra:  Beware while taking out the trash this week, the raccoons have been watching Roadrunner cartoons.

Scorpio:  You will receive an unexpected sensual massage in the next log cabin you visit.

Sagittarius:  A parking space will make you inordinately sad.

Capricorn:  A stranger will offer you bubblegum on a train.

Aquarius:  You realize that making money out of Legos and trying to sell the pieces isn’t bitcoin.

Pisces:  Although you date never shows up, you get to eat both dinners!