If your birthday is this week:  The horrible misspellings on your birthday cake ruin the party for your Grammar Nazi friends.

Aries:  Facebook offers to pay you if you’ll stop posting your bullshit political opinions.

Taurus:  You will accidentally fund a Communist revolution.

Gemini:  You realize Wal Mart doesn’t sell quality cognac.

Lemini:  Flashing the ticket guy doesn’t get the free movie tickets you were expecting and the cop that arrests you is just as surprised as you are.

Cancer:  You’ll get a surprise back rub from a stranger on a bus, but you’re the one that makes it weird.

Leo:  The ghost of John Wayne borrows your car to run some errands.

Virgo:  You’ll realize that your spaghetti sauce is mostly just a pile of tomatoes and that you have no idea how to make spaghetti sauce.

Libra:  Turns out, that webcam girl would have dated you if only you had paid her Cable TV bill.

Scorpio:  Someone forgets to tip the lube guy at your orgy.

Sagittarius:  You’ll spend six hours defending Star Wars movies until you realize that talking to anyone over the Internet is a complete waste of time.

Capricorn:  You assemble what you thought was an IKEA table and realize that you bought a vintage hot rod by mistake.

Aquarius:  Your vape store opens and closes within the same week.

Pisces:  With all the Tinder swiping, you injure your wrist and are unable to masturbate for days.