If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party is so crazy, even the cops that shut it down get drunk.

Aries:  Your Frankenstein monster can’t really speak and is afraid of fire, but his credit score is amazing.

Taurus:  Your lapdance will be interrupted by a commercial for low mortgage rates.

Gemini:  You’ll be the first person to order a pizza with a Pez topping.

Lemini:  Your skateboard antics go viral even before the ambulance gets you to the hospital.

Cancer:  Due to a mix up during the robbery, you crew robs a Cinnabon instead of a bank.  The cops catch you after you all get diabetes.

Leo:  After Old Man Winter is found brutally murdered in your house, the police refuse to investigate and you are given a medal.

Virgo:  Your trip to Syrian Disneyland is extremely dangerous and although many of the rides have been bombed, for the rides that work the lines are short.

Libra:  Your gingerbread man comes to life and smokes all your pot.

Scorpio:  Your misdemeanor for having sex with deli meats will be dismissed.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, Donald Trump will insist on playing through during your mini-golf game.

Capricorn:  You will take advantage of unlimited toppings at frozen yogurt stand, but it will cause your bowl to collapse from the weight.

Aquarius:  Turns out, your smart missile is only of average intelligence and decides to go to a trade school.

Pisces:  Your doomsday bunker parties have depleted all their resources, which is a shame since you’re going to need it soon.