If your birthday is this week:  The birthday clown will beg you to lend him a little dignity, but it’s funnier when you drop the live crab down his pants.

Aries:  Your attempt at aging your own steak meat ends at the hospital.

Taurus:  The stars say, you’ll never get back those 90 minutes if you attempt to watch Cloud Atlas.

Gemini:  Doing whip-its in the dairy aisle of the store is how your shopping cart ends up full of nothing but potato chips.

Lemini:  This week, the IRS will try and seize your belongings, but you’ll move your shopping cart where they can’t find it.

Cancer:  You’ll hurt your back bad enough to get some really good drugs, but you’ll try not to take them because you’d rather be well when you get high.

Leo:  Your local boy scout troop eggs your house and then demands $20 so it won’t happen again.

Virgo:  You will meet the person of your dreams, unfortunately in your dream that person stole your iPad.

Libra:  You catch an Amazon drone trying to steal your newspaper.

Scorpio:  You realize you really need to cut back on your dildo budget.

Sagittarius:  Facebook will politely request that you crop your face out of your pictures.

Capricorn:  You’ll realize that the half-price lottery tickets you bought were from the previous week.

Aquarius:  Those meddling kids ruing your plan to scare people away from the abandoned amusement park.

Pisces:  You’ll realize eating a bag of sugar requires that you be in better shape.