If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday trip to Australia takes an ominous turn when you realize your family only bought you a one-way ticket.

Aries:  You will be sexually harassed by a Keebler Elf.

Taurus:  You’ll find a pile of Hobbit skeletons behind the old Ren Faire Grounds.

Gemini:  You’ll find a mini-Cooper in your parking space, so you throw it in the nearest trash can.

Lemini:  You’ll realize that asking for a happy ending at the message center is inappropriate.

Cancer:  It will turn out, the stripper doesn’t have change for your five.

Leo:  You’ll regret teaching that locksmith class to the zoo gorillas.

Virgo:  The stars say, you’ll be surprised by a Yeti and even more surprised when he asks to buy your coat.

Libra:  The librarian will ask you to cease your breakdancing and just check out a book or leave.

Scorpio:  Your favorite porn star won’t return your calls or your dildos.

Sagittarius:  When you arrive at the turkey shoot, you realize only the birds have guns and this may not be what you think it is.

Capricorn:  After a week at your new job, your coworkers pitch in and build you a brand new account on Linked In.

Aquarius:  The Joker will try and buy some Xanax from you.

Pisces:  You’ll take a titty twister too far and end up defacing that store mannequin.