If your birthday is this week:  You figure out the reason for the break in to your house was so that everyone could regift your Christmas gifts.

Aries:  You will have to do terrible things for a free Netflix password this year, but it’ll be worth it.

Taurus:  You’ll ring in the New Year in the most exciting way ever for you: clipping your toenails.

Gemini:  The stars say, although you’ll make out with a houseplant at a New Year’s Eve party, at least you won’t go home alone.

Lemini:  You’ll realize most of the high-five’s you’ve given in your life, you didn’t mean.

Cancer:  Kathy Griffin will break into your house and insist on counting down the New Year.

Leo:  You finally remember your original password, but only after your email program insists you change it.

Virgo:  The Avengers recruit you, but instead of taking you on adventures they just keep borrowing your van.

Libra:  You finally watch that thing that everyone else watched so you can talk about, but now nobody cares.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll bribe someone with sex to get a better parking space.

Sagittarius:  The new casino game you play allows you to win $6, but you lose your pants.

Capricorn:  The carolers inside your snow globe escape.

Aquarius:  You’ll be offered a promotion or a blowjob, so unfortunately your salary stays flat.

Pisces:  You’ll ring in the new year as you always have, by turning back the tide of an alien invasion from another dimension using a mystic crystal that was given to you by Dick Clark before he died.