If your birthday is this week:  You birthday cake will be sexually harassed by one of your guests.

Aries:  Your conspiracy club decides you’re one of “them” and refuses to share the nachos with you.

Taurus:  You’ll create a new flavor of Koolaid called Ranch dressing.

Gemini:  A future version of yourself will travel back to the past and tell you not to buy those pants.

Lemini:  You’ll drink some expired apple juice, which pairs surprisingly nice with the day old bread and moldy cheese sandwich you eat.

Cancer:  This week, someone will start to serenade you in a public rest room.

Leo:  You will have to explain to the cop that pulled you over why you were reading your Fratoscope while you were driving.

Virgo:  Your frosted flakes come backed with half a pound of cocaine and an address where to return it if lost.

Libra:  You’ll somehow lose your pants in the Walgreens again.

Scorpio:  The stars say, you’ll see more than your fair share of tits at the library.

Sagittarius:  You’ll regret having your broken iPad repaired at the Amish Electronics Store.

Capricorn:  You’ll be called into work because your boss thinks you make the funniest noises when frustrated.

Aquarius:  You’ll realize eating nothing but donuts for a week is awesome except for the diabetes.

Pisces:  You’ll spend the week in thoughtful contemplation while you look at porn.