If your birthday is this week:  Your sexy ex jumps out of your birthday cake with a summons.

Aries:  The fob you use to open your car will also open your heart.

Taurus:  You’ll finally remember to close out all the apps on your phone this week.

Gemini:  A total stranger will wash your windows at the gas station and then blow you a kiss.

Lemini:  Your strange way of hitting on someone at the gas station continues to be ineffective.

Cancer:  This week, the judge will rule you “too stupid” to go to trial.

Leo:  You’ll start to suffer from CODPTSD: Call of Duty Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Virgo:  Your sexy underwear shoot gets much less sexy after you shart.

Libra:  Aliens land and demand that you take them to the nearest Bubba Gump Shrimp.

Scorpio:  Your vintage collection of dildos will be damaged in a move.

Sagittarius:  You’ll realize that a career as a Frisbee golfer is next to impossible and will be forced to pursue your rockstar dreams.

Capricorn:  Several mean looking dogs will surround you and eventually intimidate you into buy them steaks and Doritos.

Aquarius:  Your neighbor will ask you to play with his gorilla while he’s away on vacation.

Pisces:  You’ll finally achieve the dream of leaving no leftovers at your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.