If your birthday is this week:  You will receive advice from elderly relatives and once you thank them for it, they will immediately say, “Ha-ha!  That counts as a gift!”

Aries:  A new life is just around the corner because that’s where the kidnappers are hiding.

Taurus:  Don’t fall into the same old traps, fill in that pit in front of your back door.

Gemini:  The dating site returns your money and suggests Pornhub for you.

Lemini:  The stars say, you can save money and time by building your casket this week.  Don’t ask why.

Cancer:  You’ll be set up by the cops

Leo:  You will binge eat your weight in hoagie.

Virgo:  You will get a massage from a random person on the bus.

Libra:  The computer in your car will suggest you drive to a clothing store and buy something more grown up to wear.

Scorpio:  This year your event, Shave Fest, will remove more pubes than all previous Shave Fests combined.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover peanut butter and candy sandwiches.

Capricorn:  You may want to ease up on your drinking, even the mosquitos that bite you get hungover.

Aquarius:  You’ll realize it’s too late to start a Hollwyood Sexual Harassment pool.

Pisces:  You have three more weeks before the Halloween candy runs out and your acne clears.