If your birthday is this week:  A group of Communists come to your birthday party, seize your gifts on behalf of the state, eat all your cake and ration you one birthday candle.

Aries:  This week, you’ll be “that guy”.

Taurus:  A drunken Santa will climb out of your fireplace with presents and say, “Hey, do you want these fuckin’ things or not?”

Gemini:  You will eat your weight in Pocky at the Anime Convention.

Lemini:  Your reasonable response to a political discussion on the Internet goes viral and you lose your job.

Cancer:  You’ll build a sarcasm app because that’s SO useful.

Leo:  Your broker will assure you that your investment Crocs is still a more solid place to put your money than any stocks.

Virgo:  Your car chase ends with you catching the guy, but you really don’t get your pizza that much faster.

Libra:  You’ll discover that playing pitch and toss with donuts on your boss’s genitals is a good way to get a raise if you remember to take pics with your phone.

Scorpio:  You will discover that after having anonymous sex with him, that Donald Trump’s calling card is to leave behind a toupee.

Sagittarius:  Your dog will bark secret codes to his Chinese handlers, which is why the government will have to put him down.

Capricorn:  Your protest does go well because most people don’t think queso cheese is racist and they don’t even serve that at McDonald’s.

Aquarius:  Your crush will not respond to your advances, so perhaps it’s time to move on to someone that’s alive.

Pisces:  The stars say, everything financial-wise will break you way, so how about loaning the stars twenty bucks?