If your birthday is this week:  You win that game of Russian Roulette, but then won’t have anyone else to play with.

Aries:  You pizza will arrive early, but in the wrong shape.

Taurus:  The stars say, your socks wouldn’t smell like butter if you didn’t keep using them to smuggle flapjacks into class with them.

Gemini:  Your robot will gain sentience and then get it’s own apartment all the while assuring you it’s the robot and not you.

Lemini:  Your cock ring will fall off at the worst possible time.

Cancer:  This week, you’ll use up all your data emailing memes that no one reads.

Leo:  The religious holiday you made up to get out of work, causes your boss to convert this week.

Virgo:  A group of very lazy highwaymen will rob you at the Burger King drive thru.

Libra:  You’ll be pelted by donuts on three different ocassions this week.

Scorpio:  Despite your weekend, the doctor will be able to repair your butthole.

Sagittarius:  You’ll drink a beer with the least famous member of KISS.

Capricorn:  Your best friend will be outed as a Brony.

Aquarius:  They save room for you in the lifeboat, but only because you look the most delicious.

Pisces:  You will finally get a date, but not from a dating site, plus you’ll have to buy all your date’s old furniture and give them a good seller’s rating.