If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday burrito will be stuffed full of candles and wrapping paper.

Aries:  Your Hallmark line of “I’m sorry I had sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend” greeting cards is moderately successful.

Taurus:  This week, wear water proof shoes.  It’ll be better when you piss yourself.

Gemini:  The stars say, a cellphone gremlin will try and crack the screen on your smart phone, but you can lose him in the Apple Store.

Lemini:  You will rename your penis, then give it back to its owner.

Cancer:  The ghost of Ben Franklin appears to you and demands that you find him a ghost whore.

Leo:  Your roommate rushes you out of your place because of fire, but once you get outside you remember you don’t have a roommate.

Virgo:  President Trump will read your resume and hire you half way through the reading, but fire you a few lines later.

Libra:  You will benefit greatly when a peanut butter truck and a chocolate truck collide in front of your house.

Scorpio:  Milton Bradley requests that you stop ending all your Twister games with anal.

Sagittarius:  You’ll realize the whispering you’re hearing is just the sound of gentle farts.

Capricorn:  The Starbucks barista will write “no tipping a-hole” on your latte cup again.

Aquarius:  You will find an extremely sensual parking space.

Pisces:  You’ll be up all night trying to remember whether or not you’ve ever tried Spam.