If your birthday is this week:  Your dad will come back from getting smokes after 21 years and tell you it’s your turn to leave.

Aries:  The stars say, your dad will develop a new app that will constantly inquire about whether or not someone is touching the thermostat.

Taurus:  Your father’s golf cart DUI prevents him from trying the new golf balls you buy him.

Gemini:  Don’t worry about your dad coming back, he broke into your house before you got home.

Lemini:  Your father gets back at you for that time you dented his car by banging your girlfriend.

Cancer:  You’ll honor your dad the only way you know how, by letting him get drunk and ignoring his casual racism.

Leo:  You and your papa will finally have a talk about the birds and the bees that you exterminated at the aviary and apiary.

Virgo:  Your father will ramble about the good ol’ days of 2013 when a text meant something.

Libra:  You’ll go on a father and son hunting trip, but find out hunting mascots is still illegal.

Scorpio:  This week, your dad makes an excellent wingman at the old folks home.

Sagittarius:  Your father attempts to “dad joke” his way out of a parking ticket and ends up in prison again so you really ought to bar that joke.

Capricorn:  You will walk a mile in your father’s shoes, making you completely smell like him except for the farts.

Aquarius:  Your father will smuggle you across the border for a better life, but unfortunately you live next to Zimbabwe.

Pisces:  Fortunately for you, your dad’s favorite gift is giving his pathetic offspring money.