If your birthday is this week:  Instead of gifts, you just get a bunch of links on ebay mailed to you with instructions on paying for them.

Aries:  You’ll be the only one of your friends to watch the new episode of Rick and Morty and none of them believe you.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that new app you downloaded doesn’t allow you to shit your pants and teleport it to the toilet.

Gemini:  You’ll create a Windex-flavored ice cream.

Lemini:  The stars say, don’t give your mailman the nickname “Shitnuts” if you want to get your packages.

Cancer:  Don’t that second margarita unless you want to wake up in a Motel 6 without pants.

Leo:  You’ll will win the biggest lottery in Alabama, which amounts to $72 before taxes.

Virgo:  Your parking spot will be stolen by a quick Zamboni driver.

Libra:  Either you’re going insane or your house plants are messing with your meds again.

Scorpio:  Your dry cleaner accidentally sews up all your crotchless panties.

Sagittarius:  You will regret helping the Coyote catch that Roadrunner.

Capricorn:  Your day at the spa will be interrupted by beatnik clowns.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally shave off an eyebrow and prove your fortune cookie fortune wrong.

Pisces:  You’ll eat a ton of mayo this week or Miracle Whip if you don’t like mayo.