If your birthday is this week:  Santa invoices you for making him also delivery your birthday gifts.

Aries:  An elf will wake you up at 3 am and beg you to hide him from his cruel task master, Santa.

Taurus:  A close friend will drink over nogged egg nog, but fortunately you’ll get them to nutmeg in time.

Gemini:  Your pyramid scheme will be revealed and several angry mummies will attempt to sue.

Lemini:  Your stocking are not hung by the chimney with care, so they fall into the fire.

Cancer:  Your Secret Santa will insist on keeping you under surveillance throughout 2017.

Leo:  The stars say, Jesus will not bring you pizza no matter how much you pray.

Virgo:  You’ll accidentally donate all your prank gifts to “Toys for Tots”.

Libra:  This year, you’ll notice Santa’s lap is awfully damp.

Scorpio:  You’ll make sweet love to an elf in the dark, but realize later it’s just lawn decoration.

Sagittarius:  Your feast of the seven fishes is only approved by six of the seven fish you invite.

Capricorn:  You’ll finally bribe your way off the Naughty list.

Aquarius:  Your gingerbread men will demand you bake gingerbread strippers.

Pisces:  You’ll get your Christmas wish early as the election of 2016 finally fucking ends.