If your birthday is this week:  Everyone comes to your birthday party, but only because anything is better than talking about the election.

Aries:  Wikileaks will expose you as the sheet stealing s.o.b. that you are!

Taurus:  You’ll go into what you think is a voting booth and end up confessing your sins and voting for the Pope.

Gemini:  A group of Mormons will promise to knit you a sweater if you vote for Evan McCullin.

Lemini:  You’ll get into a Mexican stand-off with pollsters from MSNBC, Fox News and CNN and leap off a cliff towards certain death rather than answer their inane questions.

Cancer:  You’ll be carefully monitoring the validity of the vote because you’re a concerned citizen and you’re like 100 and can barely see.

Leo:  You’ll spot a confused John McCain shaking hands outside your polling place, urging you to “Like Ike”.

Virgo:  You’ll attend a very violent Trump rally, which is great for you, because you’re getting paid $1500 to make it that way.

Libra:  You’ll insist you have to vote for Hillary Clinton to get laid, but then realize you can just lie.

Scorpio:  You’ll be Bill Clinton’s wingman on Election Day and get so much pussy and cankle.

Sagittarius:  Donald Trump will get into the backseat of your car during an emergency and you get him to the tanning salon just in time.

Capricorn:  When you see all the pornography inside the polling place, you’ll realize you got the address of the polling place wrong and ended up at Anthony Weiner’s house.

Aquarius:  Jill Stein will come to your house and try to explain the difference between her an R.L. Stine.

Pisces:  You wait for Gary Johnson to watch election results, but later you found out he was too high to drive over.