Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies: Winter 2016 Edition
on November 5, 2016 at 12:01 am
It’s been a while. Mostly because, who goes to movies anymore? Push a couple of buttons and you watch it in your living room in your underwear with a fridge nearby and the ability to turn up the volume, pause and rewind. Seriously, unless those new comfortable seats come with a handjob, I’m not sure how you’re going to keep theaters open. And here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies Winter 2016 Edition.
Shut In: Talk about a title that will remind you not to go to the movies. Just what I want to do after I get out of my house, see a movie about someone cooped up in their house. Pass.
Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them: AKA: Harry Potter IX. Guess if you like that stuff. Sounds more like a video game to me.
Bad Santa 2: Really? Are we supposed to cheer a man’s re-descent into alcoholism? Plus didn’t the elf character die or go to prison? Sounds like someone needs a check.
The Bye Bye Man: Generic monster movie number 2519? Nah.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: All right, how many of these are we going to see now? I feel like the best three are still the first three. It’s not like the Marvel movies, which have basically all been really solid. I just can’t get back into this. I’m out.
Collateral Beauty: A movie about letter writing starring Will Smith? Are you trying to keep me from going to the theater? If so, Mission Accomplished.
Assassin’s Creed: Why don’t I just rent the Mario Brothers Movie instead? Are you kidding?
Patriots Day: All about the events around the Boston Marathon bombing? Uh, no. Too soon and I would bet big money the producers don’t have the emotional distance not to make some sappy, jingoistic, feel-gooder. I mean, it’s called Patriots Day.
Boo! A Madea Halloween: But how will I know what’s going on without seeing all the previous Madea movies?
Ouija: The Origin of Evil: This movie looks like a parody of horror movies. Like a movie you’d see clips of in another movie.
Keeping Up With the Joneses: Didn’t they make this movie? I mean, like ten times, recently? Why would I pay money for this?
Inferno: Might as well have made another National Treasure. C’mon. Seriously?
Okay, I’m going back to Netflix. I’m just glad I saved myself $144.
