Your Fratoscope: October 16, 2016
on October 16, 2016 at 1:18 am
If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will get lost in the mail.
Aries: You’ll be sexually harassed by some boy scouts as they attempt to help you across the street.
Taurus: Your barber finally admits he hasn’t been to the optometrist in years.
Gemini: If you’re running for president, some more crazy shit you said will come to light otherwise, you’ll find a dollar on the street.
Lemini: This week, give yourself a little present to reward yourself for not crying since your life turned to shit.
Cancer: The stars say, get up and make a significant other some breakfast, that way, your cheating won’t seem so bad.
Leo: Someone will torch your lawn to destroy your Trump/Pence sign.
Virgo: You’ll torch your neighbor’s lawn for displaying a Trump/Pence sign.
Libra: You’ll be happy that you put your Trump/Pence sign on someone else’s lawn, just in case.
Scorpio: If you’re running for president, WikiLeaks continues to make you look like an asshole. If not, you’ll have some cake.
Sagittarius: You will find a driver’s license in your Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Capricorn: Your neighbor’s dog will keep singing opera, but only when you’re around.
Aquarius: You’ll discover that shopping cart surfing is a lot more intense if a car pushes you over 40 mph first.
Pisces: You’ll start planning a caper, but get distracted by your shenanigans and end up committing some high jinks.
