If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will get lost in the mail.

Aries:  You’ll be sexually harassed by some boy scouts as they attempt to help you across the street.

Taurus:  Your barber finally admits he hasn’t been to the optometrist in years.

Gemini:  If you’re running for president, some more crazy shit you said will come to light otherwise, you’ll find a dollar on the street.

Lemini:  This week, give yourself a little present to reward yourself for not crying since your life turned to shit.

Cancer:  The stars say, get up and make a significant other some breakfast, that way, your cheating won’t seem so bad.

Leo:  Someone will torch your lawn to destroy your Trump/Pence sign.

Virgo:  You’ll torch your neighbor’s lawn for displaying a Trump/Pence sign.

Libra:  You’ll be happy that you put your Trump/Pence sign on someone else’s lawn, just in case.

Scorpio:  If you’re running for president, WikiLeaks continues to make you look like an asshole.  If not, you’ll have some cake.

Sagittarius:  You will find a driver’s license in your Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Capricorn:  Your neighbor’s dog will keep singing opera, but only when you’re around.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover that shopping cart surfing is a lot more intense if a car pushes you over 40 mph first.

Pisces:  You’ll start planning a caper, but get distracted by your shenanigans and end up committing some high jinks.