If your birthday is this week:  Your pizza party becomes a party of one and your special topping: tears.  Or you get a pony.  Either way.

Aries:  It’s better to look forward and keep your eye on the prize, rather than look behind and see that murderous clown chasing you with an ax.

Taurus:  You’ll get an email from 1997 and the three million dollars from that Nigerian prince in your bank account.  He will apologize for the delay.

Gemini:  The remainder of your Axe Body Spray will evaporate, leaving the world a better place.

Lemini:  You will dry hump and close friend during a brunch.

Cancer:  Batman will crash through your skylight, look around, mutter “Damn GPS” and then recoil his grappling wire to get pulled right back out.

Leo:  Right in the middle of your breaking up with your girlfriend, a man will suddenly yell “Cut!” and make you start the entire thing over.

Virgo:  Your Netflix expires ten minutes from the end of a really intense mystery movie.

Libra:  You’ll fart so loud in the supermarket, you’ll rattle the windows.

Scorpio:  You’ll wake up in a strange bed with your favorite sex toy and take home to clean it, only to realize that it was not your sex toy.

Sagittarius:  A friend crashes at your place and steals your favorite sex toy.

Capricorn:  You’ll stay at a hotel and eat the mint chocolate left on the pillow, only to realize that it’s actually a chocolate condom left behind by another guest.

Aquarius:  You’ll will focus on your career because you’re a pilot and not getting those glasses was really causing problems.

Pisces:  You’ll mistake cake batter for pudding, but it will be a delicious mistake.