If your birthday is this week:  Despite your birthday, cosplaying as “Pantless Man” won’t get your a discount at the con.

Aries:  You will finally get to the head of the line at Comic Con, only to discover it’s the wrong Enterprise Captain.

Taurus:  You will discover too late that the Avengers 3 preview is not in a convention bathroom stall and that creepy guy is not Joss Whedon.

Gemini:  You’ll spend a great weekend at Comic Con, only to realize you didn’t interact with comic books the entire time you were there.

Lemini:  Stan Lee will bitch slap you.

Cancer:  You will attend a panel where Jar-Jar Binks releases his sleazy tell-all book.

Leo:  You will calculate that 44% of the con crowd are dressed as Harley Quinn.

Virgo:  The ghost of Gil Gerard will explain to you that he’s still alive.

Libra:  You will become hypnotized watching a Spiderman cosplayer with huge junk.

Scorpio:  You will have sex with a Spiderman cosplayer.

Sagittarius:  You’ll almost escape Comic Con with money, but Lou Ferrigno will shake you by the ankles before you leave.

Capricorn:  You will get a flat tire and realize you have no jack.  Fortunately, Linda Carter lifts the back of your card until you can replace it.

Aquarius:  The stars say, don’t eat food in the convention hall, save your money for comics.

Pisces:  You won’t go to Comic Con this year, but you will enjoying saving the three grand you would’ve spent on sushi.