If your birthday is this week:  Your friends will take you out of a very fancy restaurant for your birthday, but none of them ever come back from the bathroom after the bill arrives.

Aries:  Your sexy lingerie photo shoot goes awry when the cops find out you stole the lingerie and you’re taking photos of it all by itself.

Taurus:  You will taste some delicious gum but the person whose seat you removed it from will give you dirty looks.

Gemini:  You’ll drink a soda that tastes like pants.

Lemini:  The stars say, shut up.  The stars are sick of your shit.

Cancer:  This week, try and relax, there’s no sense fighting it if you’ve already been roofied.

Leo:  You’ll sit in the theater, sit through several commercials, various interludes, five movie previews and forget what fucking movie you came to see.

Virgo:  You’ll play Vegas Solitaire on your computer and end up owing Microsoft $10,000.

Libra:  You realize your bowling score would’ve been higher had you not attempted to bowl with a homemade ball made from a watermelon.

Scorpio:  You work hard, you play hard and you’ve probably taken way too much Viagra again.

Sagittarius:  Donald Trump will come to your house, break a bunch of your stuff and tell you “It would be a shame if your vote got wasted on someone else.”

Capricorn:  Have some gum, your breath stinks.

Aquarius:  You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill and it’s really upset the moles.

Pisces:  Muhammad Ali’s ghost comes to you and assures you it’s too soon to make a joke about him because he’s too great.