If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party at the trampoline park ends with your fat ass being escorted out.  Why did you wear cleats?

Aries:  You discover CFI stands for “Colossal Fucking Idiot”, so you probably should get rid of those monogram pajamas.

Taurus:  This week, customers discover that your app is actually just a sticker affixed to the screen of their iPhones.

Gemini: You make a joke at the cashier’s expense at KFC and they imply they deep fry something other than chicken.  Now who’s an asshole?

Lemini:  You rehab meeting ends at an opium den again.

Cancer:  Your Uber driver will offer you free massages until you get out of the car.

Leo:  You will discover that you have a fetish for Cajun spice.

Virgo:  Your credit card will be declined, but you didn’t need to buy that life-sized statue of Kim Kardashian anyway.

Libra:  The stars say, you’ll need change for a twenty and possibly some body armor this week.  It’s going to be busy.

Scorpio:  You will have a sexual dream about the Michelin Man.

Sagittarius:  You will discover after 18 Jello shots, you’ll pretty much give anyone a handjob.

Capricorn:  You’ll eat a record-setting amount of barbecue sauce, not for the record, just because you like it.

Aquarius:  You will change your horoscope sign to one that more closely resembles your personality.

Pisces:  Donald Trump will continue to call, but you’ll continue to duck him until he picks another VP.