If your birthday is this week:  You will get laid on your birthday, but it will be a dead giveaway to your guests when you come back to your party with the clown’s make up in your lap.

Aries:  Your contraception fails, but did you really think that Wonder Bread wrapper was going to hold?

Taurus:  That box of chocolates will get you laid, but with the CVS clerk where you purchased it, not with your SO.

Gemini: You’ll spend Valentine’s spooning someone, it just depends on which cell they put you in.

Lemini:  Cupid will accidentally hit you in the eye, which is probably why you get skull fucked later that day.

Cancer:  You will get plenty of Valentine’s Day cards, all from those sex dolls you used to own.

Leo:  The bad news is, the maid will walk in while you’re having sex.  The good news is, she’ll get off with the both you minutes later.

Virgo:  You won’t get any this V-Day, unless you count what your dog does to your leg while you sleep.

Libra:  You will find a trail of rose petals leading to your cable TV guy installer’s van.

Scorpio:  The stars say, you’ll get laid and the stars will totally watch it.

Sagittarius:  Barry White’s ghost rises from the grave to be your wingman this week.

Capricorn:  You will make drunken sweet love to a standee of Taylor Swift.

Aquarius:  Your Valentine’s Day date is extremely sexy until you accidentally swallow the key to the handcuffs.

Pisces:  You really should’ve started shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift earlier than ten minutes after reading this.