If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday is postponed, due to snow.

Aries:  You would’ve met a new romantic interest, but they got stuck home in the snow.

Taurus:  A great job opportunity would’ve happened, but alas, too much snow.

Gemini:  You would’ve found $100 bill on the ground if it wasn’t under two feet of snow.

Lemini:  An old rival would’ve punched out your lights, but fortunately, his car is stuck in the snow.

Cancer:  You would’ve had a great day thinking of all sorts of clever and creative things, if you hadn’t spent all that time shoveling the damned snow.

Leo:  The stars say, they can’t see you under all that snow.  God damn, that’s a lot of snow, say the stars.

Virgo:  Family interests dominate your day, at least they would, if you could see your family, but you can’t because all the snow.

Libra:  You spend the whole fucking day shoveling snow.

Scorpio:  You spend all day looking at porn because what the Hell else is there to do when stuck in the snow.

Sagittarius:  You attempt to drive to the store, like a dumb fuck, in two feet of snow.

Capricorn:  Someone asks you, “How about this snow?” and you beat them to death with your snow shovel.

Aquarius:  You miss global warming.

Pisces:  Snow!  Fucking snow!  God damn, white bullshit!  Fuck!