If your birthday is this week:  Your mom ends up lighting those joints you hid with the birthday candles, so there will be no leftover cake.

Aries:  You will get into a very exaggerated fist fight with William Shatner.

Taurus:  You’ll discover that the old meat in the fridge was actually new cheese.

Gemini:  You will find that hitting on your waitress does not constitute a tip.

Lemini:  Take the day off, your boss is about to fire you anyway.

Cancer:  Your new video game podcast should probably include stuff about video games, instead 20 minutes of complaining about your ex.

Leo:  You’ll be mugged by one of the mid-sized Muppets.  You’ll be broke, but it will be hilarious.

Virgo:  Don’t buy that time share from that door -to-door salesman, he’s just a very sleazy Mormon looking to make some extra cash.

Libra:  While you’re on break, your SO will cheat on you with someone cosplaying as you.

Scorpio:  The guys that work at the car wash will insist you remove the dildos from the trunk if you want it cleaned next time.

Sagittarius:  Your resume will be rejected by the ISIS recruiter.

Capricorn:  Turns out, your SO is still kind of mad since they changed their Facebook profile status to “dating some dumbass”.

Aquarius:  The stars say, if you don’t want your dog overcooked, stop walking him up and down the volcano.

Pisces:  You will lose $20K in a high stakes game of Solitaire.