If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake is kinda small, but then Ho-ho’s are only a few inches across.

Aries:  You’ll discover Call of Duty wasn’t very good training for actual fighting in Afghanistan.

Taurus:  You’ll send your dog to get toilet paper while you’re in the bathroom, but he’ll steal your car again.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll put cheese on one too many things.

Lemini:  The stars say, that last drink will put you over the limit, but it will be hilarious crash into a clown museum.

Cancer:  You will be intimidated by a group of rough looking girl scouts.

Leo:  There’s a great deal of transforming energy around you, especially since you bought that Optimus Prime toy.

Virgo:  You will be rejected for membership in the Dollar Shave Club.

Libra:  Your monkey will do a terrible job on your taxes.

Scorpio:  The stars say, you’re going to have a ton of bubblegum stuck to your genitals this week.

Sagittarius:  Your mechanic will demand you remove your pet badger from under the hood before he does any more work for you.

Capricorn:  You’ll get a paper cut that goes to the bone.

Aquarius:  You will challenge the might of an empire, but your mother will talk you out of going any further.

Pisces:  An unexpected windfall means only one thing: tacos!