If your birthday is this week:  The Cake Boss will repossess your birthday cake and beat up your friend that ordered it.  He wishes you a happy birthday, though.

Aries:  You find a dollar, which would be lucky, except that’s all that’s left in your checking account.

Taurus:  You’ll eat some cheese and that will be about as exciting as it gets for you this week.

Gemini:  You’ll eat some cheese on top of a blimp that’s crashing into the Vatican while fighting Nazis and that will be about as exciting as it gets for you this week.

Lemini:  You will try the first pumpkin spiced French Fry and realize that trend has gone way too far…until you’re handed the pumpkin spiced ketchup.

Cancer:  The stars say, spot searching other cookies for fortunes, they’re just in that one kind.

Leo:  You will realize halfway through the comedy movie you’ve been laughing it, that’s it’s actually a very scary and graphic horror movie.  You sicko.

Virgo:  You will discover that your ex’s comic book collection makes great kindling.

Libra:  You will regret leaving behind your stuff at your Virgo ex’s place.

Scorpio:  This week, wash your anal beads, company is coming.

Sagittarius:  You’ll discover that socks make excellent toilet paper in a pinch, but that they don’t flush as easily.

Capricorn:  Take charge of today because most of the people that live in your building will be passed out from the gas leak.

Aquarius:  You will really misinterpret the term “baker’s dozen” and sleep with the baker’s wife.

Pisces:  You will think of climbing Everest as a romantic and cool thing to do, until you hear what they use for waypoints.