If your birthday is this week:  In the middle of your birthday song, someone will stop it saying, “Wait, wait, wait.  Fuck this guy.”

Aries:  You’ll make some baby corn…and it will scream.

Taurus:  You’ll wake up with your pajamas full of crickets.

Gemini:  You’ll remember that your taxes are due…five months ago.  Well, technically, three years and five months ago.

Lemini:  People are literally throwing money at you this week.  Unfortunately, it’s mostly rolls of quarters.

Cancer:  Your parking job will be so bad at Taco Bell, the cops will beat you up twice.

Leo:  You’ll try to bring capes back to mens fashion, but realize only fat guys that think they are vampires is too narrow a niche.

Virgo:  The stars say, never underestimate the power of kicking someone in the balls during a conversation about the price of a used car.

Libra:  You will swallow a cicada during a yawn.

Scorpio:  You’ll misinterpret the meaning of “sextant” on a boat trip and find yourself in a awkward situation with your navigator.

Sagittarius:  You’ll spend the week barking, because you’re a dog.  The only odd thing you’ll do is read your Fratoscope, which dogs almost never do.

Capricorn:  Your marriage counselor advises you to get a spouse so you’re no longer wasting your money.

Aquarius:  You’ll finally be hip for about six hours on Thursday.

Pisces:  You will gain the ability to part the waters of the sea, but only use it to mess with Aquaman.