If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday keg will be unable to hold up its birthday candles, despite being covered in icing.

Aries:  You’ll suddenly realize that you never returned that video back to Blockbuster in 1995.

Taurus:  Some rough looking guys from your sanitation department will throw out your mail until you remember to separate paper and plastic.

Gemini:  You’ll spontaneously belch the Star Spangled Banner.

Lemini:  You’ll misinterpret the phrase “dumpster diving” and break your back trying to do a three quarter turn.

Cancer:  A throwing star will land near your feet and a Japanese voice from the shadows will say, “Lil’ help.”

Leo:  You’ll accidentally wash your hands with barbecue sauce and then take up nail biting.

Virgo:  Those collection agencies will keep calling, but the joke’s on them because you’ll be evicted this week!

Libra:  Other responsibilities keep you away from loved ones, as that crack isn’t going to sell itself.

Scorpio:  The store that rents you porno awards you a gold watch.

Sagittarius:  Your stalker sends you a text explaining that he’s decided to stalk other people for a while.

Capricorn:  You’ll discover that main ingredient in mac and cheese is not Big Macs.

Aquarius:  The stars say, accept it.  You suck at gardening.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that your life is too laid back and that it’s almost impossible to vacation from it.