If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will read, “Something generic.  I don’t want to spend a lot of money.”

Aries:  You will be mistaken for a Taurus, which is bad because Tauruses are likely to get stabbed this week.

Taurus:  You’ll continue practicing knife juggling.

Gemini:  Your SO will break up with you while reading off a teleprompter.

Lemini:  Amtrak adds a new “Fat Train” to tow your sorry ass around.

Cancer:  The stars say, it’s too late to sell your Jared Fogle autographed picture.

Leo:  The ghost of Kirk Douglas will come to you and explain he’s not dead.

Virgo:  Don’t drink that soda.  The empty space inside the bottle is mostly factory worker fart.

Scorpio:  The Trojan company alerts you that they’re trying to catch up to production quotas and would like for you to take a week off.

Sagittarius:  You’ll get drunk and discover the joys of a pizza blanket and trying to wash melted cheese out of your hair.

Capricorn:  You’ll wake up with a goat and worse, the goat will offer you cab fare.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover on a fishing trip that your overly tan skin can be used as survival jerky.

Pisces:  You’ll discover that you can go back in time, but only to watch the second season of True Detective again.