If your birthday is this week:  Everyone gives you deodorant for  your birthday, even that guy with no nose.

Aries:  You will discover too late that there are no “special passes” that allow other passengers to sit on your lap during subway rides.

Taurus:  You will play an overly intense game of Frisbee golf.

Gemini:  You will be kicked in the shins by some girl scouts, who explain that it’s just a warning, but that you’d better pay for those thin mints soon.

Lemini:  You will discover that your car isn’t designed to drive through a house properly, nor will it float inside the pool in the backyard.

Cancer:  You’ll be bitten by a vampire, who will then spit out your blood and complain, “What the Hell have you been eating?”

Leo:  The stars say, you will simultaneously develop an addiction to gambling and a fear of going broke, so it cancels out.

Virgo:  Due to a typo at the seed store, your flax seed farm grows several rows of outdate 90’s office equipment.

Libra:  You will be accosted by a group of skateboard clowns, who all ride the same skateboard.

Scorpio:  Your genitals reach the maximum 5000 likes on Facebook.

Sagittarius:  Your significant other follows through on their threat to put your cellphone inside a block of chocolate…flavored concrete.

Capricorn:  Your apartment slave escapes and starts a revolt with the other apartment slaves in your building.

Aquarius:  This week, rely on friends and family to get you through a tough week because you’ll make their lives incredibly shitty if they don’t.

Pisces:  Your robot comes to life, causes you to lose the robot building contest and explain to your family why your kid has so many bolts in his face.