If your birthday is this week:  “Oh, sure,” your mother will say in her most passive aggressive voice.  “Let’s celebrate your birthday.  I only gave birth to you.”

Aries:  You mom thanks you for the gift, but wishes you had consulted her before having her tattooed.

Taurus:  The stars say, winning back mom in a poker game isn’t really enough of a gift for this week.

Gemini:  A woman comes to you claiming to be your long lost adopted mother.

Lemini:  Your mother will assure that her love will better serve you over a webcam than in person.

Cancer:  Your mother tells you the best gift you can give her is your love and just two hours alone with the pool boy.

Leo:  Return the tree and the tri-corner hat, you’ve got your holidays mixed up again.

Virgo:  Your kitties all come when you call and you’re kind of like their mom, so that’s something.

Libra:  Your mom drinks most of your whiskey and passes out on your floor, but hey, it’s her day.

Scorpio:  This year, turn down the porn before calling your mother.

Sagittarius:  You mother assures you in a text that she’s glad you’re one of her offspring.  Whichever one you are.

Capricorn:  Taking your mom to Yemen on Mother’s Day is a huge mistake, but at least you’ll have an interesting story if you survive.

Aquarius:  Mom sends you another cryptic warning written on a dagger, time to change identities again.

Pisces:  You mom asks a ton of questions during the Avengers movie and the comic book convention you take her to.