If your birthday is this week:  You’ll get so drunk on your birthday, your friends will end it with an intervention.

Aries:  You’ll discover that you can’t get blood from a stone, unless you hit someone hard enough with it.

Taurus:  Your moon is in Jupiter, which means it’s going to be another long night at the observatory.

Gemini:  The stars say, are you really going to wear that shirt out?

Lemini:   You’ll be forced to mow your lawn at gunpoint by a rogue garden gnome.

Cancer:  You’ll be interviewed by the ghost of Johnny Carson, but constant interrupted by the ghost laughs of Ed McMahon.

Leo:  Get to your iPad, your castle is about to be attack in Clash of Clans.

Virgo:  You’ll got sleep skiing and rack up hundreds of dollars in ski lift fees.

Libra:  Superman will wake you up early and demand you make him pancakes.

Scorpio:  After a particularly steamy lapdance, the stripper hands you twenty dollars.

Sagittarius:  You go to turn in your change at the supermarket, but place it in the wrong machine and buy 200 sodas instead.

Capricorn:  You will purchase some soap that smells like John Madden.

Aquarius:  You’ll find your lost car keys in an omelette.

Pisces:  Your horoscope will be completely wrong this week.