Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, happy birthday, but stars have no money so they didn’t get you anything.

Aries:  You will wake up in a delicious marinade.

Taurus:  You will switch to summer clothes too soon, but be too lazy to get your jackets out again after it gets cold again.

Gemini:  You will buy a sandwich that smells suspiciously like wet dog.

Lemini:   You’ll realize the roast you attended wasn’t a roast, people just like to insult you.

Cancer:  This week, brace yourself for excitement.  Your brakes will finally stop working.

Leo:  You learn that you are liable if you say, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!” and your insurance adjuster appears in the street and is hit by car.

Virgo:  The zombie apocalypse doesn’t happen this weekend, so that excuse you had for not paying your taxes doesn’t work.

Libra:  You will find an inordinate amount of Tic Tacs in your underwear which leave your genitals minty-fresh.

Scorpio:  You will bang a Libra with a really fresh smelling crotch.

Sagittarius:  You will befriend a stranded motorist and give him  a ride to the bus, although it turns out he wasn’t stranded.  He just strangled the guy that was the stranded motorist.

Capricorn:  A deer turns the table on you and your hunting buddies and you’re forced to change your name and move to another state.

Aquarius:  When the second skid of beer arrives to the intervention, your roommate finally admits he has a problem.

Pisces:  This week, you’ll visit North Jersey and its very interesting smells.