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If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, happy birthday to you, you belong in a zoo, you look like a monkey and you smell like one too.

Aries:  You are gaining weight because your trail mix is all chocolate chips and M&M’s.

Taurus:  You will find the skeleton of an intern deep within the maze of cubicles at work.

Gemini:  Your incompetent bookie finally figures out that you can’t bet on the cheerleaders during a Super Bowl.

Lemini:  You’ll have an early dinner and the other patrons at the Old Country Buffet somehow get you into the AARP.

Cancer:  This week, make sure you wear pants to work.

Leo:  Brian Williams will attempt to sell what he claims is “primo” lake shore property.

Virgo:  You don’t win the $380 million lottery, but you will find a penny.

Libra:  You’ll lose that fake penny you made.

Scorpio:  You will finally figure out a way to incorporate a puzzle into the love-making process.

Sagittarius:  A Mormon will come to your door.  Don’t answer, he really has to take a shit.

Capricorn:  Eat the cottage cheese before Thursday or it will go bad.

Aquarius:  Your relationship is on the skids, so it’s time to take a moment, do the mature thing and really figure out how you can fuck over your ex for being such an asshole.

Pisces:  You’re so hungry this week, you’ll accidentally eat a place mat.