If your birthday is this week:  You’ll find mommy kissing Santa Claus deep, with lots of tongue.

Aries:  It’s pasty, white and thick, but don’t drink it.  That ain’t egg nog!  Ewwwww!

Taurus:  A guy in a red suit comes down your chimney, but he takes the flat screen and makes a run for it out you front door.

Gemini:   Some green douchebag attempts to steal your roast beast, but you knock him unconscious and call the cops in time.

Lemini:  Your grandma will get run over by a reindeer and some sick fuck will write a song glorifying her death.

Cancer:  You’ll find a drunken Elf passed out inside one of your gift boxes.  Apparently, your iPad’s still at the North Pole.

Leo:  Your Christmas ornaments come to life and scream, “Oh, God!  We have hooks through our faces!  The agony!  Ahhhh!”

Virgo:  The pot cookies you baked for Santa means that no one past the Eastern Seaboard gets presents before January.

Libra:  You will spend Friday shoveling reindeer shit off your roof.

Scorpio:  The mistletoe tattoo over your genitals does not go over well at the office Christmas party.

Sagittarius:  Your Christmas shopping is quick, but only because you buy everything at a gas station on December 24th.

Capricorn:  It’s a rough flight for Santa, so your stocking is mostly full of elf vomit.

Aquarius:  Frosty the Snowman comes to life, pins you to the ground, pees you and screams, “How do you like it?!”

Pisces:  You will be visited by three entertaining ghosts: Moe, Larry and Curly.