If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be sick, but fortunately someone buys you a cake that’s metholyptus-flavored.

Aries:  The stars say, you can only get off from work so many times by claiming you just got back from Sierra Leone.

Taurus:  You’ll be invited to join a club, but it turns out just to be some guys that want to hit your with a club.

Gemini:   Stop taking cards!  You have 17!

Lemini:  Your mother calls and asks if you could put her affairs in order.  Turns out, she cheated a lot and can’t keep track.

Cancer:  Your pizza will arrive late and it will be the wrong shape.

Leo:  This week, watch out for gnomes.  The little guys may have put a hit out on you.

Virgo:  Your tailor offers you 10% off if you promise to join a gym.

Libra:  Your love of Flamingo Dance will save you from an assassin’s bullet.

Scorpio:  You will achieve orgasm on a moving skateboard.

Sagittarius:  Your spirit animal will reveal itself to you and shit all over your carpet.

Capricorn:  You’ll find the skeleton of an Elf while cleaning out your fireplace.

Aquarius:  God will appear to you in a dream and remind you that your factory warranty is done.

Pisces:  Your sandwich making skills reach mastery levels this weekend.