If your birthday is this week:  You go out to see this version of the Nutcracker.

Aries:  You finish most of your Christmas shopping, but then the gas station closes and you’re forced to come back next week.

Taurus:  Your loan shark will send you a nice Christmas card, just to let you know he still has your address.

Gemini:   You’ll be drugged and wake up in Santa’s workshop.  It’s time to work off all those toys you got in previous years.

Lemini:  Your porn star girlfriend decides that you’re too dirty for her to date any more.

Cancer:  You’ll read the entire Wikipedia entry, but you still won’t understand Dragonball Z.

Leo:  You’ll watch Interstellar the fifth time and still not understand it.

Virgo:  The stars say, binge watching The Walking Dead doesn’t make it any better, but at least it’s over.

Libra:  The good news is, the roof isn’t leaking in the middle of the night, the bad news is, you’ve begun to wet your bed.

Scorpio:  You will somehow make a flu shot sexy.

Sagittarius:  A group of girl scouts will attempt to hunt you for sport.

Capricorn:  The ghost of Buster Keaton will borrow your car, attempt a stunt and then assure you after the crash that it “would’ve worked in his day“.

Aquarius:  Your house plants refuse water until you stop listening to Katy Perry.

Pisces:  You’ll have an awesome grilled cheese sandwich, mainly because it also contains meat.