If your birthday is this week:  As always, your birthday gifts will be thrown into a heap while your family gorges themselves on turkey.  Sorry.

Aries:  You’ll realize that there are no sandwich Elves, you just like to get really high right around lunch time.

Taurus:  Having your youngest cousin stuff the turkey turns out to be a bad idea unless you like stuffing made of Matchbox cars.

Gemini:  For your behavior the previous year, you’ll be demoted to the kids table and not be allowed to drink.

Lemini:  You will meet the love of your life on a stroll around your block, unless you live in Buffalo.  In that case, you’ll watch a news story about someone freezing to death in the snow.

Cancer:  Your car keys are in your other jacket.

Leo:  The stars say, carve the turkey, don’t stab it and scream, “Die!  Die!  Die!”

Virgo:  One of your guests becomes severely injured at the table, mostly for suggesting to serve ham next year.

Libra:  Your turkey is raptured and you’re all forced to go to McDonald’s.

Scorpio:  It turns out your invite was really to stuff an actual turkey, not a sexual suggestion.  You’ll be forced to put all your S&M gear back in your car.

Sagittarius:  You’ll pass a town ordinance forbidding Christmas decorations until after this week and will be unanimously re-elected to mayor.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll realize you cannot deep fry a turkey using the trunk of your car as the pot, but you can get your trunk lining extra crispy.

Aquarius:  Your pilgrim guests will be offended by everything you do and especially your buckleless hats.

Pisces:  You will reconnect with the medical staff that pumps your stomach after dinner every year.  They’re doing well.